Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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