i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize