if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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