Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
