she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
