I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
