I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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