u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
