I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
