His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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