Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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