On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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