flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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