I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
