forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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