okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
