Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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