I can text with my tongue
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
