Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
