I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm just crazy horny about you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
