From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
