Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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