I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's blow job season.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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