you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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