Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
