The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
