I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
