Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
