sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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