Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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