what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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