I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
