Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
