Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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