it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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