The maid of honor just puked.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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