I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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