btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
