awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
