I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
