He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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