This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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