My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
