What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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