Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
