I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i love accidental penises.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize