just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
