Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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