He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
