I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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