no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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