Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
