I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
