I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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