I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
