just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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