and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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