so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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