you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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