STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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