Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
