I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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