Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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