He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
